SETTING THE FRENCH STAGE

The theme for TV Guide's fifth annual Emmy party was 18th century France.

Although TV Guide returned to its favorite venue, Les Deux Cafe, the plush club's French aspirations couldn't have been more thematically correct.

For anyone too culturally insensitive to grasp the party planner's intentions, fleur de lys projections tattooed the ground and an adjacent building.

Male bartenders wore white shirts and black suspenders while female bartenders worked the room in burlesque-like hot pink corsets, boots and short-shorts, or as they say in Paris: Daisy Dukes of Burgundy.

Sprinkled around the party were models dressed in Marie Antoinette-esque towering white wigs. Some stood by the champagne carts, others decorated couches, and still others were seated on swings.

One wigged-out swinger took digital pictures of herself before the party started.

"You'll have to put that away when the guests come," said a black-coated person who looked official. "Yeah, I know," said the swinger and kept snapping away.

Les Deux was much too small to accommodate the thousands of people that eventually showed up, so the party mostly took place in a 15,000-square-foot tent in an adjacent parking lot.

The ground was covered in carpet and topped with plush seating, 12 bars and juniper trees.

Flat-screen televisions broadcasted the awards.

"Aw yeah, Jeremy Piven!" said a bartender when he saw the actor accepting the award for best supporting actor in a comedy series.

"He carries that show," he said. "Without him that show is cancelled."

ENTER THE OUT-OF-TOWNERS

Dunia and Tom Joseph, who hail from Louisville, Ky., scored tickets to the TV Guide shindig as a perk of being advertisers on the TV Guide channel. They own two Honda dealerships, one in Johnson City and the other in Cape Gerardo.

The Josephs are a young, attractive couple and could easily pass for L.A.-types except for the digital camera that Dunia kept at the ready. They had traveled to Los Angeles for one reason and one reason only: to see celebrities and take their pictures.

"We're desperate to see someone!" said Dunia, who had squeezed herself onto the edge of the red carpet in hopes of catching a glimpse (and a digital keepsake) of someone recognizable.

Singer John Legend, who performed later that evening, walked up to KISS-FM reporters and told them he's not sure what his new album is going to sound like except that it's definitely going to be "sexy."

Dunia, standing just 2 feet away, clicked her camera. She was also happy when Mario Lopez, wearing a thick layer of makeup, posed against the TV Guide backdrop.

"He's so cute!" she cooed. "He reminds me of my husband."

Then Valarie Rae Miller, who has a role on the CW's new series "Reaper," started explaining to all the women at the end of the carpet how she had found a great new bra at Bloomingdale's that can be worn with a low-cut dress.

Dunia nodded emphatically.

THE IN-TOWNERS (Overheard)

Smooth-looking manager-type #1: "So I had a really great lunch with Monica. Just a really great pow-wow."

Smooth-looking manager-type #2: "So just recently or…?"

Smooth-looking manager-type #1: "Oh. Yeah, about two months ago. Just discussing a lot of projects. You know, it's important to keep yourself out there."

Not-smooth-looking writer-type #1: "So Wednesday we're going to the premiere of 'Good Luck Chuck.' It's this Dane Cook movie. I'm not sure you'd want to go."

Not-smooth-looking writer-type #2: "My friend wrote that movie."

Not-smooth-looking writer-type #1: "Yeah, well it looks like it will be good, so if you want to come with us…"

REENTER THE OUT-OF-TOWNERS

About an hour after she had inserted herself on the red carpet, Dunia had ditched her husband and was teamed up with Christina Jordan, who sells TV Guide Channel programming in Omaha, Neb. She won the trip to L.A. and the ticket to the party as a sales prize.

Jordan, who is blonde and was dressed in a low-cut sequined pewter dress, was fearless and had no problem approaching celebrities for photos.

When she tapped Lisa Rinna's husband's shoulder (yes, that would be Harry Hamlin) and asked for a photo, Dunia giggled with delight. "Oh my god, she's crazy!" she said.

It took a while for Rinna to pay attention to them, but Jordan was patient.

Unfortunately, she had already snapped so many photos that her camera was running low on batteries and her Rinna shot did not come out.

But later she showed me her collection. There she was with Joey Fatone, then later with a goateed baseball player she thinks might be named Simms, "Who's this one? She's on 'Army Wives,'" she said, squinting at the screen. "And this woman was in 'Napoleon Dynamite,'" she said pointing to the image of a tall, elegant black woman.

Then Rebecca Romijn swished by in a long white dress with beaded fringe.

"Oh my god, she's with Jerry O'Connell, right?" said Dunia excitedly, camera ou t once again.

AND… SCENE!

John Legend performed and so did Kanye West.

It turns out that Hollywood loves West, and nobody loves him more than Lisa Rinna, who was pumping her skinny arms in the air and shaking her barely existent booty with gusto.

There would be one final performance that night -- Band From TV, which includes actors Greg Grunberg, James Denton, Hugh Laurie, Bonnie Somerville and Bob Guiney, but I didn't catch it.

Although before I left at 11:45, I did see all three "American Idol" judges arrive on the carpet in a lightning storm of bulb flashes. I followed Rinna as she stepped over the velvet rope and walked behind the photographers out of the party.

There at the end of the carpet was Dunia, just leaving as well.

"Look!" she said excitedly, showing me her camera. And there were photos of Dunia with Randy, Dunia with Simon, and even Dunia with Paula.

"They were so nice," she said breathlessly.