The Kudos Crasher

Winners dine and losers whine at the Emmys Governors Ball

Enjoying bone marrow flan with Mr. Ron Jeremy.

Richard Rushfield

The Kudos Crasher

September 17, 2007

"We all have our demons. We all have our shadows. And we dance between both of them."

-- Jeremy Piven, backstage after his victory

When the Emmy's show runs over, the audience suffers, network execs grit their teeth in annoyance, but it is the catering staff who has it worst of all. At 8 p.m. Sunday, the Governors Ball floor was filled with what looks like a zombie army, several standing motionless astride each table across the vast floor.

Thomas Haden Church appeared Emmy in hand. "Isn't it 8:05 yet?" he asked. With his date, he cooled his heels until the masses arrived. Alec Baldwin dashed by, stopping for a brief congrats, but it was an odd moment for Church, one of the chosen trophy bearers: The night of destiny suddenly came to a standstill as he paced and met the blank gazes of the staff, waiting for the empty room to fill with celebrants.

Around 10 after 8, rapturous -- and exhausted -- applause poured through from the auditorium next door and thousands began to flood in. Seated at the front edge of the room, Robert Duvall was the first to his table and finished his first course before half the room was seated. Halfway across the room, Mr. and Mrs. Jerry Bruckheimer sat alone at one end of "The Amazing Race's" table and silently picked at their food, gazing into space.

The man of the hour: Giants walk this room. You may talk of your Gandolfini, tell tales of Keifer Sutherland, of Neil Patrick Harris, but on the floor of the Emmy Governors Ball one man walks like a titan above the pygmies; one receding hairline pulled into a ponytail and trademark Durante-esque schnoz stops traffic dead before him. Mr. Ron Jeremy has graced the academy with his presence, and all will pay homage.

"I have a right to be here," he explained. "The season of 'The Surreal Life' I was on with Tammy Faye was the highest-rated Sunday night show in the history of the WB. The movie I made, 'Boondock Saints,' is the all-time No. 1 straight-to-video rental in Blockbuster history." And he is, no less, a bestselling author and has a copy of the New York Times bestseller list to prove it.

I asked how this event compares to a similar gala in the adult film world. "Well, the girls in porn also wear very expensive gowns," he said. "But you'd see a lot more cleavage and a lot less underwear."

As we talked, a familiar face made its way down the aisle toward us, spotted Jeremy and broke into a huge grin for Tom Selleck. "You are the greatest," Selleck leaned in and told him. "You are too," the porn maestro nobly answered. Selleck pushed on, shaking his head, smiling. Ron Jeremy has moved on, having already been asked to pose for a photograph with another set of admirers, something that happened to him constantly throughout the night.

He dropped by the "Heroes" table to pay his respects to Ali Larter, his co-star from the film "National Lampoon's Homo-erectus." Larter turned around in her chair and gave a warm hug to her former colleague, turning a bit nervous, however, when she was introduced to me and noticed the pen and notepad in my hand. Nonetheless, she introduced Jeremy to others at the "Heroes" table, all of whom seem thrilled to meet him, except Hayden Panittere, who alone gave no glimmer of recognition. Wandering around and searching for two others he has worked with, Charlie Sheen and James Gandolfini, Jeremy recited the list of legitimate film and TV projects he has worked on recently - a prodigious list that any aspiring actor would kill for. Nonetheless, he told me, as another fan asked for a picture, he remains unrepresented by a major agency or management company. "I've taken meetings with them all, but in the end, I'm too controversial. I might offend someone," he said with a sigh. "I mean, I've got movies, TV shows. I'm a bestselling author."

As Tony Bennett began to sing, twirling on a Lazy Susan in the center of the room, we headed to greet another friend, Conan O'Brien, but on the way more fans stopped him again. "You signed my girlfriend's ass at a karaoke club!" a young man said, gesticulating toward said appendage. Jeremy pulled out a black Sharpie, at the ready. "And I'd do it again at any place but this."

We are what they feed us: Despite pretensions at greatness and stabs at daring, Hollywood awards banquet food generally does not veer all that far from the awards banquet food genre as found at any Rotary Club Humanitarian of the Year reception in Lincoln, Neb. Dazzling though the lights on the red carpet may be, when one sits down at the Golden Globes or SAG awards, one generally expects roast chicken with grilled baby carrots and broccoli on the side. The Emmys, however, knocked tradition asunder like a used-up plaything. The food by Joachim Splichal and Patina Catering looked downright futuristic against the backdrop of tuxes. The menu included a first-course Tower of Mango and Dungeness Crab with avocado, tomato, crisp lotus root and sweet ginger soy reduction. The entrée was a straightforward-enough beef filet mignon and red wine braised short ribs but served with two clumps of mashed food that proved to be potatoes fondante and marrow flan.

When informed that he had just finished a marrow flan, "30 Rock" star Tracy Morgan did a pitch-perfect spit take and shouted, "Bone marrow! Someone should've warned us that we were eating bones!"

Asked how he enjoyed the rest of the meal, Morgan said, "I'm no connoisseur, but after sitting in that theater for eight hours, this food is great. It's not a dirty frank on the streets of Brooklyn, but I'll eat it."

Elsewhere, "House" consulting producer Peter Blake, who was passed over for a trophy, said mournfully, "The marrow flan was perfectly paired with the bitter taste of defeat already in my mouth."

The 'in' crowd: The hottest, definitely the happiest table in the house seemed to be the "30 Rock" table, many of whom seemed dazed from their surprise win for best comedy. Writer Daisy Gardner, taking home her first Emmy, said, "I got so excited I dropped a drink in my crotch and now I have to skip the rest of the parties."

As the ball began to wane, the "30 Rock" table was one of the last still going strong. Series co-star Judah Friedlander, however, put the victory in perspective. "I'm still waiting to meet Seacrest," he said. "Is he ever going to come say hi?"