(Except for the two who got better parking spots than I did.)



John, my director, you are a creative genius. You are a force of nature. You are an actor's filmmaker.

(Even I'm getting sick to my stomach listening to myself.)



The producers of the film: Rich, Ben, Kelly, Kate, Donna, Larry, Megan, Dave, Geoff, Robert, Rolf, Andres, Jen, Malcolm and Eddie.

(I think I've only met Larry and Jen, although it's possible I met Ben at the wrap party. Is Rolf that guy who found the German motorcycle parts company dumb enough to put up $23 million for Bavarian cable rights?)



I'm so nervous. I hope I'm not forgetting anyone.

(This gives me cover at the Vanity Fair party when that idiot in business affairs — Stewart Something — asks why I didn't mention him.)



I especially want to thank our crew, the people behind the scenes without whom this movie wouldn't have gotten made.

(This makes me look like a regular guy who makes small talk at the craft services table, rather than the prima donna that I am. Fortunately, I got to stay in my trailer all day playing the Xbox 360 the studio bought me.)



Let me thank my parents for believing in me.

(As an only child, they had no choice.)



Finally, I want to give a special thanks to the real inspiration in my life, my family — my wife, Sharon, and my wonderful children, Kyle and Ashleigh.

(Is it two or three kids? I can never remember.)

James Bates is deputy entertainment editor of the Los Angeles Times. His Behind the Screens column appears every Monday at TheEnvelope.com