Give winners 15 free seconds to thank their families. After that, the meter starts running for studios, agencies and producers who are mentioned at a rate of $56,667 a second.

A 30-second speech would then cost $850,000, a 45-second one $1.7 million.

To offset the expense, studios could use product placement. According to some experts I talked to, it's conceivable someone might pay $1 million to have their product thanked during a best picture acceptance speech, but only $250,000 for sound editing.

So if "Crash" were to win, the producers could thank Ford Explorer or Honda Accord along with actors Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon and Sandra Bullock. Ortho could be "Official Thank You" for "The Constant Gardener."

Add-on costs would include a "gush and pretentiousness premium." Chalk up an extra $100,000 each time a winner calls a person, studio or script "amazing." One "creative genius" sets you back another $250,000. Anyone who refers to Steven Spielberg only by his first name gets hit with a $300,000 bill.

Any speech taking more than 45 seconds has to pay overtime costs for the orchestra.

Figure on $200,000, minus 10%, for every agent mentioned. That should kill off the clichéd, "I want to thank everyone at CAA."

Charge $100,000 for thanking crews who worked on the film on location in Canada, discounted by the latest exchange rate. Add the price of an additional ticket when thanking someone looking down on the ceremony from heaven.

All told, the academy could reap a few million to put up with the ego strokes. And what now is a worthless exercise that chases viewers away would at least have some value.

Last week's column told how an elite club of documentary makers has already aced director Werner Herzog's "Grizzly Man" out of the Oscar competition because they didn't feel it was one of the year's 15 best, even though it is by far the best reviewed documentary of the year.

On Wednesday, the oversight became even more absurd when Herzog was announced as one of five finalists for the Directors Guild of America award for best documentary. Herzog isn't even a member of the guild.

Not nominated were the directors of such notable documentaries as "March of the Penguins," "Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room," "Murderball" and "Mad Hot Ballroom" — all docs that are still in the running for an Oscar.

The chief executive of Monsanto's name is Hugh Grant (seriously).