Cooking up a little chemistry as presenters at the Teen Choice Awards (Mark J. Terrill / AP) |
Know your audience, people. After watching two hours of the sometimes amusing, sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes perplexing Teen Choice Awards tonight, it was clear that some of the winners hadn't been briefed on the audience they would be addressing; namely a theater full of brace-faced, prepubescent Zac Efron junkies.
Old people are funny: The Teen Choice producers knew their audience. They kicked off the affair with a performance called "50th Reunion High School Musical," in which a bunch of elderly folks in cheerleading uniforms bounced around the stage.
They even threw in a leg-humping mascot for good measure. Nice attention to detail, Fox.
Pleasant surprise: Despite plagiarism allegations surrounding Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend," Lavigne brazenly belted out the tune tonight. With a schoolgirl skirt, a pompadour and a peppy smile, Lavigne wrapped the audience around her finger.
Most booooored: The Most Bored Award goes to LC and Audrina of "The Hills," who looked inches away from a coma as they chomped gum throughout the show.
Hey you, ugly guy, off the couch! Not only were the hottest hotties seated in the front row, as they always are at award shows, but the biggest stars got to rest on lavish couches while they awaited their turns to be worshiped. No one ever said the Teen Choice Awards are a democracy.
Lost in translation: Steve Carell learned an important lesson tonight; kids don't understand jokes. "I accept this award on Steve's behalf," joked Carell, when presented with the award for Choice TV Actor: Comedy ("The Office"). Crickets.
Miley Cyrus: Believe the hype: Sure, some people find her annoying, and I get that, but when Miley Cyrus struts onto that stage, there's no denying it; she electrifies the audience.
Cyrus' infectious energy provided a much-needed pick-me-up after a stretch of Hilary Duff's wooden hosting.
Most sincere speech: When Sean Kingston bounced onto the stage with his diamond earrings and crisp white blazer, he looked genuinely stoked to have won Choice R&B Track ("Beautiful Girls"). "This is my first award and it really means a lot, man," said Kingston.
Seacrest wins best hissy fit: When Ryan Seacrest accepted his award for Choice Movie: Hissy Fit ("Knocked Up"), he went for self-deprecation, saying, "it was a stretch to play a vain, impatient TV personality for me."
Still, Seacrest didn't miss a chance to poke fun at rival Simon Cowell. According to Seacrest, Cowell missed the show because "he's old and it's late."
Most oddly inappropriate moment: In a skit called "Lindsay's Wild Ride," a man dressed as Lindsay Lohan chugged martinis, crashed his car and vomited. Hilary Duff thought it was the funniest thing she'd ever seen.
Most awkward attempt to connect to the commoners: Jessica Alba dedicated her award for Choice Female Hottie to "a young man who's been on my mind for the last 19 years. Ross."
Jessica then went on to explain that "Ross" had rejected her because she was "pigeon-toed," "slightly cross-eyed" "buck-toothed" "sucked (her) thumb" and had a "swayback."
Jess, when your publicist gave you that list of fictitious geek-traits, you were supposed to choose one, not rattle off the whole list!
Best revenge hair: Welcome back, Kelly! After a rough few months, Kelly Clarkson was back on top tonight, with impeccable vocals, a figure-flattering dress, and a Posh-inspired bob to boot.
Most unfairly cast as a giant: Jordin Sparks is not a giant, but she sure looked like one standing beside Ryan Seacrest on "American Idol."
Then, tonight, she was forced to present an award with pint-sized speedskater Apolo Anton Ohno. Jordin looked like she could have crushed him in her palm!
Keywords: If you want to make the kiddies scream, don't bother with wit; just utter the words Zac Efron, Miley Cyrus and Harry Potter. Then plug your ears.
Coolest person onstage, and possibly, on the planet: Snoop Dogg sauntered onto the stage to save Hilary Duff from freestyling, and even provided a brief flow of his own. From his oversized Lakers jersey to his shizzle-speak, Snoop was the coolest dogg onstage all night.
Worst surprise-face: When Hilary Duff's cohost Nick Cannon told her she'd won the award for Choice Music: Love Song ("With Love"), Duff really phoned in her surprise-face.
Most likely to get down after the show: Jessica Alba and Dane Cook (who teamed up to present Choice Summer Movie: Comedy/Musical) win this award hands down. Sparks were flying, and Alba doubled over with laughter whenever Cook made a funny.
Performance most likely to be confused with drunken karaoke: Shop Boyz's performance of "Party Like a Rock Star" was just plain bizarre. That song is on the radio all day, every day; I could even sing it!
Still, the Boyz opted to sing over a recording of themselves singing. They were behind the track the whole time and they were screaming. It was, for lack of a better word, totally sucky.
Old people are funny: The Teen Choice producers knew their audience. They kicked off the affair with a performance called "50th Reunion High School Musical," in which a bunch of elderly folks in cheerleading uniforms bounced around the stage.
They even threw in a leg-humping mascot for good measure. Nice attention to detail, Fox.
Pleasant surprise: Despite plagiarism allegations surrounding Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend," Lavigne brazenly belted out the tune tonight. With a schoolgirl skirt, a pompadour and a peppy smile, Lavigne wrapped the audience around her finger.
Most booooored: The Most Bored Award goes to LC and Audrina of "The Hills," who looked inches away from a coma as they chomped gum throughout the show.
Hey you, ugly guy, off the couch! Not only were the hottest hotties seated in the front row, as they always are at award shows, but the biggest stars got to rest on lavish couches while they awaited their turns to be worshiped. No one ever said the Teen Choice Awards are a democracy.
Lost in translation: Steve Carell learned an important lesson tonight; kids don't understand jokes. "I accept this award on Steve's behalf," joked Carell, when presented with the award for Choice TV Actor: Comedy ("The Office"). Crickets.
Miley Cyrus: Believe the hype: Sure, some people find her annoying, and I get that, but when Miley Cyrus struts onto that stage, there's no denying it; she electrifies the audience.
Cyrus' infectious energy provided a much-needed pick-me-up after a stretch of Hilary Duff's wooden hosting.
Most sincere speech: When Sean Kingston bounced onto the stage with his diamond earrings and crisp white blazer, he looked genuinely stoked to have won Choice R&B Track ("Beautiful Girls"). "This is my first award and it really means a lot, man," said Kingston.
Seacrest wins best hissy fit: When Ryan Seacrest accepted his award for Choice Movie: Hissy Fit ("Knocked Up"), he went for self-deprecation, saying, "it was a stretch to play a vain, impatient TV personality for me."
Still, Seacrest didn't miss a chance to poke fun at rival Simon Cowell. According to Seacrest, Cowell missed the show because "he's old and it's late."
Most oddly inappropriate moment: In a skit called "Lindsay's Wild Ride," a man dressed as Lindsay Lohan chugged martinis, crashed his car and vomited. Hilary Duff thought it was the funniest thing she'd ever seen.
Most awkward attempt to connect to the commoners: Jessica Alba dedicated her award for Choice Female Hottie to "a young man who's been on my mind for the last 19 years. Ross."
Jessica then went on to explain that "Ross" had rejected her because she was "pigeon-toed," "slightly cross-eyed" "buck-toothed" "sucked (her) thumb" and had a "swayback."
Jess, when your publicist gave you that list of fictitious geek-traits, you were supposed to choose one, not rattle off the whole list!
Best revenge hair: Welcome back, Kelly! After a rough few months, Kelly Clarkson was back on top tonight, with impeccable vocals, a figure-flattering dress, and a Posh-inspired bob to boot.
Most unfairly cast as a giant: Jordin Sparks is not a giant, but she sure looked like one standing beside Ryan Seacrest on "American Idol."
Then, tonight, she was forced to present an award with pint-sized speedskater Apolo Anton Ohno. Jordin looked like she could have crushed him in her palm!
Keywords: If you want to make the kiddies scream, don't bother with wit; just utter the words Zac Efron, Miley Cyrus and Harry Potter. Then plug your ears.
Coolest person onstage, and possibly, on the planet: Snoop Dogg sauntered onto the stage to save Hilary Duff from freestyling, and even provided a brief flow of his own. From his oversized Lakers jersey to his shizzle-speak, Snoop was the coolest dogg onstage all night.
Worst surprise-face: When Hilary Duff's cohost Nick Cannon told her she'd won the award for Choice Music: Love Song ("With Love"), Duff really phoned in her surprise-face.
Most likely to get down after the show: Jessica Alba and Dane Cook (who teamed up to present Choice Summer Movie: Comedy/Musical) win this award hands down. Sparks were flying, and Alba doubled over with laughter whenever Cook made a funny.
Performance most likely to be confused with drunken karaoke: Shop Boyz's performance of "Party Like a Rock Star" was just plain bizarre. That song is on the radio all day, every day; I could even sing it!
Still, the Boyz opted to sing over a recording of themselves singing. They were behind the track the whole time and they were screaming. It was, for lack of a better word, totally sucky.
